The last few months have been...well, the right word is HELL. (H. E. double hockey sticks as my sister would say.) It's early. It's new...but a shift took place in my mind, my spirit, in me. First I sensed it...and now I can feel it. If I had to put a name to it...I would call the shift, Hope. I have begun to hope again.

I'm struggling to believe this possibility is in front of me.

Britton boy has had seizure after seizure and when he was conscious, he was raging and angry. He even cried a time or two. My momma's heart has broken into more pieces than I can count. (Most mommas have been there.)

The things that should be obvious are often lost to an overtired, overstressed, desperate mind.

After all those stressful days and sleepless nights... I had a dream. I dreamed that I took all his supplements, and medications up to his room. I used Youtube to show him each medication. He watched exactly what each drug does, listened to the side effects. I did the same with the supplements. We went through them one by one. And I let him decide.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of his screams. More seizures, more anger, more stress. Using oxygen and an oximeter, I laid my head on his bed, and prayed...and then I remembered...the dream.

A few hours later when I believed he was awake enough. I put everything in a basket, and I set it out on his dresser. I did exactly what I did in the dream.

It was slow, and I wasn't always sure, but I asked after each supplement, after each drug...do you want to keep taking this?

He was very sure about what he DID NOT want.

Mostly...He is done, and he doesn't want ANY of it.

We had already spent three months removing one of the anti-seizure drugs. It had a long half-life and we knew it would take months. That drug was finally gone...he still seized every other day...on occasion every two. Nothing had made a difference anyway. Why take drugs that do nothing?

When it was all said and done, he said yes to Slippery Elm for his stomach and homeopathics. He's just smart and I have again resolved to listen to him!

One of the last things Britton had typed to me long ago was, "please do not forget who I am."

But I had forgotten. The seizures, the behaviors, the loss of sleep. Those may be lame excuses, but it doesn't change the truth that after his admonition... I did forget. I didn't remember he is as smart as I ever believed he was.

I didn't remember that he is the same young man who told me he loved books, and soccer, and the movie Avatar. That he wished food didn't always make him sick. That he "ate hope like candy." I forgot... or at the very least, all those truths had faded.

I failed him...all while trying harder than I had ever tried...I failed him because I had not remembered.

But God!

He had a plan. He heard Britton's cries, and he heard my prayers and he sent me a dream... how do I thank him for that? It is a testament to who God is to us, even when we are lost in all the things that can overwhelm us in this world.

The thing is...not a lot of time has passed, not yet...but...my son is back. He is bright eyed, and smiling, and happy, and TYPING again. I worried so much that it was the drugs, or the seizures, or both. That they had taken everything from him. Or worse...that he had given up. Because it was all too much and too hard and too impossible...and Who could blame him?

I imagine it's like climbing out of a dark pit into the daylight. Squinting your eyes and seeing all the things that made life worth living. The spark in his eyes is a sure sign that hope has risen from these years of ashes..

It's not been long without the seizure drugs...or even the CBD. I know he must feel a bit disoriented, or at the least strange.

I was watching him in the car today as we ran errands. He was looking at everything as if he'd never seen it before. Giant smile on his face. Ya know the way you do when you're driving through a new city? Mesmerized by all the things you've never seen before.

I wondered out loud to him. I said ya know the bible says, that faith is made out of what we hope for, made out of things we can't even see. Hebrews 11:1 My paraphrase.

We both laughed, I giggled as I felt Holy Spirit flow over me. It was a beautiful day... it is also a full moon, and storms are moving through. Things that I have always dreaded because they made seizures imminent.

I cant say that seizures won't happen. I can't promise him they won't. But...I can definitely hope for that miracle. And I can believe for what I havent seen. I can believe with him, and for him.

Can you believe with us? Can you hope for what you can't see? Can you believe for our miracle?

And what about you? Can you believe for the miracle you need from God? Can you believe enough to ask him for it?

Yes, it feels risky, just asking Him. Saying the words out loud. Because "hope deferred makes the heart sick." And most of us have been heart sick for at least one long season. Some of us for a lifetime. We fear to hope..to believe.

But...what if you did? And what if God moved? What if...God is who He says He is?

You'll never know if you don't take the risk...and believe for what you cannot see. I wan't candy coat it. It is like stepping off a cliff and asking God to catch you...

It's a free fall, this walk of faith...

But...What if He did?